Academy’s PTSD Chaplain - Chapter 60



60 – 60. Couples by grade (9)

Thump. Thump.

The scenery outside the train was changing in real time. I blankly stared at the view, then gently closed my eyes.

My head felt like it was ringing. There was a slight sensation of my face growing warm.

It must have been because I didn’t get enough sleep. Right now, I was feeling extreme fatigue. I hadn’t had a proper rest even on the weekend, so it was understandable.

No, tiredness was not the only problem, the bigger problem was…

“That’s when suddenly I heard a cat crying outside, ‘Yaoow…! Yaoow…’”

“And then…?”

“I looked out the window. And then…”

Daniella was telling a terrifying story with a very serious expression on her face. Vivian remained expressionless, but Elin, Chloe, and Sophia all listened to the story with extremely serious expressions.

“A woman with wild hair and empty eyes… meowing under the window… ‘Aeoow…! Aeoong…’”

“Ugh…!”

Chloe, who was listening to the story, trembled. Was that really something so scary?

I wasn’t sure. Whether it was a scary story or not, I just wanted to get some good sleep. It was difficult to relax and relieve my fatigue in the cabin like this.

“I’ll be right back. Sophia, can you watch over the students for a moment?”

“Oh, yes! Please go ahead!”

Leaving Sophia in charge, I left the cabin. I stepped into the long corridor.

I should smoke a cigarette. That’s what I thought.

“Hm? Professor Antonelli, is that you?”

Just as I was about to head towards the smoking room, someone called my name from behind. I turned my head slightly.

“Professor Armstrong.”

“Indeed, it is Professor Antonelli.”

Even though he was wearing a shirt, his aging body was clearly visible, Sylvester Armstrong, a middle-aged man.

He approached me slowly, then narrowed his eyes at the cigarette in my mouth.

“Professor Antonelli. Are you smoking?”

“Yes. I was just about to go to the smoking room.”

“Why do you smoke such unhealthy cigarettes…?”

I chuckled and nodded. He was right. I used to think the same way.

While Armstrong didn’t seem pleased, he still willingly accompanied me to the smoking room.

I never asked him to accompany me, but he seemed to have something to say to me as he followed me closely.

“Hmm… I thought it was more like a raccoon’s burrow than a smoking room, but the air seems alright.”

As much as the train ticket cost, the smoking room was in quite good condition. The ventilation was excellent, and it seemed like the ashtray was regularly emptied.

Facing the window like a balcony, I took out a match from my pocket and lit my cigarette. The tobacco slowly began to burn.

Just like that, I took a deep drag, enjoying the satisfying impact of the tobacco’s rich aroma swirling through my lungs and throat, exhaling the smoke.

“Phew….”

Professor Armstrong twisted his face again, but soon he seemed surprised as he caught a whiff of the tobacco scent.

“The smell is not bad.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah. Professor Underwood used to smoke a very strong tobacco, but Professor Antonelli is not like that. It seems to vary depending on a person’s taste. Haha!”

Following Professor Armstrong’s hearty laughter, I awkwardly smiled. It was nothing more than forcing a smile by lifting the corners of my mouth.

“Ah…. By the way, did Professor Antonelli come out just to smoke?”

“Yes. That’s part of it, and a little…”

Taking another sip and exhaling the smoke outside the window, this time I carefully directed it away from Professor Armstrong.

“A little?”

“A little… My chest felt tight, so I came out for a moment. Also, for a change of mood…”

“Hmm….”

Professor Armstrong made a complicated expression. After closing his mouth for a moment and pondering, he then spoke, leaning his tree-trunk-like arm on the railing.

“Well, recently, I’ve been feeling a bit stifled too.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. No matter who you are, everyone carries some concerns in their hearts.”

His expression seemed a bit lonely. The wild beard and sharp eyes that extended like a fierce beast seemed, for the moment, to have softened into a more gentle sheep-like appearance. I stuffed tobacco into the ashtray and asked cautiously.

“Is it because of Professor Underwood?”

“Well, it’s kind of like that. Because of that woman.”

“What happened?”

Professor Armstrong looked around for a moment, then realized that we were the only ones in the smoking room, and lowered his head.

“Professor Antonelli may or may not know, but in fact, Professor Underwood and I are nominated as candidates for the next dean.”

“I’m aware.”

“In that case, the story will be quick. In fact, I wasn’t aggressively aiming for the dean’s position. I used to be a person without much ambition.”

“…I didn’t know that.”

“You couldn’t have known. To add more, in the past, the relationship between Professor Underwood and me was quite amicable. We helped each other where needed, and when difficult times came, we had each other’s backs. No matter what anyone says, that woman and I were classmates at the Royal Chaldea Academy.”

Professor Armstrong, who was telling the story, seemed to make a face as if he was fed up with something. I nodded my head, exhaling cigarette smoke.

From Noble mtl dot com

“But suddenly, for the past few years, there have been strange rumors circulating that I have been aiming for the position of Academy Chancellor…. And of all people, Professor Underwood, who was a rising candidate for the next Chancellor, heard those rumors.”

“It must have been bothersome.”

“Bothersome indeed. It’s not without reason that they say ‘where there’s smoke, there’s fire,’ right? It was a close call. Although I have had thoughts like that…. it’s not that I didn’t, but if it was Professor Underwood, I had enough willingness to give up that position.”

As I listened to the story, my cigarette had turned into a short butt. I crushed the butt on the ashtray and lit a second cigarette.

Professor Armstrong spoke up.

“Sigh…. There was a time when Chancellor Damian and some professors gathered for a meeting, but because of that woman suddenly backing me…. before I knew it, I found myself in a position of aiming for the Chancellor position.”

“So, even now….”

“Even now, it’s a standoff. I still have the willingness to give up, but whenever that woman encounters me, she scratches at my insides…. Because of that, recently I have been feeling quite suffocated.”

It was a considerably twisted and unexpected story. Moreover, it was unexpected that a tough-looking macho man like him, who seemed to count on his strength, was suffering from such meticulous conversations.

I nodded my head while savoring the taste of the cigarette.

“If we have a truthful conversation, maybe we can resolve this somehow. Professor Armstrong, it seems that a conversation is necessary first.”

“Hmm….”

“The best way to dispel misunderstandings is undoubtedly through sincere conversation.”

Professor Armstrong pondered while stroking his beard for a moment, then nodded and let go of the railing. His face seemed to brighten a little.

“Thank you. Professor Antonelli. Even so, it feels more relieving to receive counseling from a person who is about to be ordained.”

“You overpraise me.”

“It’s not a lie. I genuinely think so.”

Seeing that Professor Armstrong was about to leave, I quickly took a deep drag of my cigarette. As the cigarette burned quickly, I felt a slight dizziness in my head.

“Well then, now it’s time to hear Professor Antonelli’s worries.”

Until Professor Armstrong leaned on the railing again, he said this much. As soon as I heard his words, my foggy mind cleared up instantly.

“My worries…. you say.”

“That’s right. I heard from Professor Underwood before that smokers tend to smoke cigarettes one after another when they have really suffocating worries. Did Professor Antonelli have such worries?”

“….”

Actually, I didn’t really have any worries. I had been busy all day even on weekends and couldn’t take a proper rest, so I was just feeling tired because of lack of sleep.

As I mumbled this fact, Professor Armstrong crossed his arms and seemed lost in thought for a moment. I scattered the smoke of my cigarette out the window and silently waited for his words.

Continuing to ponder with a serious expression, he finally popped his finger loudly and opened his mouth.

“After hearing Professor Antonelli’s story and contemplating deeply…. in my opinion, Professor Antonelli seems to lack leisure.”

“Leisure…. you say.”

“That’s right. Leisure. How can a person just work and consider only efficiency? That’s not a person, that’s a machine. A machine.”

It’s a machine. I’ve pondered Professor Armstrong’s advice over and over.

“What Professor Antonelli needs is not simply dividing time for rest. It’s just having peace of mind,” he said.

Peace of mind. I briefly mulled over that phrase and asked Professor Armstrong.

“How can one attain that peace of mind?”

“Well, isn’t it simple? Just loosen up, and it will naturally come to you.”

I stared blankly at Professor Armstrong. I couldn’t grasp his words.

“Are you saying that peace of mind comes when you loosen up?”

“I may have expressed it too cryptically. Let me explain it more plainly this time. Do you have concerns or unnecessary worries plaguing Professor Antonelli’s mind?”

I nodded firmly in response. Seeing my reaction, Professor Armstrong continued confidently.

“When those things come up, just lie down right there and let your thoughts flow.”

Worries, just toss them away. I won’t do anything at all. Today’s tasks will be handled by tomorrow’s me.

“Like this.”

It was somewhat bizarre advice, making it hard not to be taken aback. It was partly trying to interpret his words and partly because it was mind-boggling.

Looking at me like that, Professor Armstrong pointed at my forehead.

“See this? Are you still trying to interpret my words needlessly? Just accept it as it is.”

“But, understanding the intention behind what the other person is saying…”

“That’s the problem—assigning meaning to every little thing. That’s what I mean.”

– Don’t assign meaning to trivial things.

Suddenly, Teacher Moritz’s advice came to mind. Without realizing it, I found myself nodding.

“Of course, if the problem runs deep, it might not be easy to solve it all at once. In that case, start step by step with the easy things. First, get rid of the habit of assigning meaning to trivial things like a while ago.”

“…”

“And once you’ve sorted out some of those nagging thoughts, try maintaining an optimistic attitude.”

I silently smoked my cigarette, pondering his words. As I smoked in silence, lost in thought, Professor Armstrong patted my shoulder and shook my hand.

“I should start heading back now. Students left without a chaperone might get anxious. Well, today’s conversation was enjoyable.”

“Yes. Please go ahead.”

Even after Professor Armstrong’s figure disappeared beyond the smoking room door.

I continued to stare intently at the spot where he had been.

“An optimistic attitude.”

Wipe away concerns from the mind, if only for a moment, let go of everything, his words suggested.

Before the possession, a passage from a novel I had read suddenly came to mind.

“Tomorrow, the sun will rise again.”

A line from the globally renowned novel “Gone with the Wind,” the protagonist’s final soliloquy. I quietly recalled that line, flicked the shortened cigarette into the ashtray, and extinguished the flame.

“…Tomorrow’s sun.”

For some reason, tonight felt like I could sleep a bit more comfortably.

That was the feeling.